Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Ephesians 5:25
You don’t get through 25 years of marriage without accumulating a few bumps and bruises along the way. It seems to me that the longer I’ve been married, it’s the same places that get bruised over and over again. The trouble is that just a light touch on a sensitive spot brings all the accumulated hurt and resentment back to the surface again.
Most of my hurts are not moral issues, where one person is clearly wrong and the other is clearly right. I don’t think I’d have any problem dealing with such failings. “I’m sorry, dear. I shouldn’t have killed the mailman.” “You are right, robbing that bank was a big mistake.” “OK, I’ll stop tripping the blind man.”
Instead, I find my hurts in areas of preference. I want one thing, but she wants another. Do we stay in or go out? Mountains or beach? Almond Joy or Mounds? The challenge here is that one person must give in order that the other might gain. When we discuss these issues, the underlying question always seems to come down to, “So I can never have what I want? I always have to give you your way?” It’s a difficult call.
Recently, I was stewing about one of my biggest bruises that had just been re-injured. I was contemplating the ways I would make sure to let my wife know that she had wronged me, and how I would show her just how it feels to be treated that way. But God would not leave me alone. As I was plotting my revenge, he brought specific scriptures to my mind, reminding me that my plan was ungodly. Then, as I was driving, I heard on the radio how it was National Marriage Week (who would plan that to coincide with Valentine’s Day???). How could I push my wife away when it was a time to promote and defend marriage?
Finally, as I was worshipping God in church, I had an experience of his presence in such a powerful way that I never wanted to leave. As the moment passed, and the glory of his presence began to fade, I heard him say, “Now forgive.”
Failing to seek revenge is one thing. But why can’t I stew in the juices of my resentment? Do I really have to let it go? To be obedient, the answer is, “yes.”
Basically, demanding one’s own way is nothing more than selfishness, and selfishness is just a form of idolatry. Selfishness says, “I am god and you must serve me.” Instead, God commands husbands (that would be me) to love their wives as Christ loved the church. So how did Christ love the church? He gave himself up for her. True love, godly love, God’s love is sacrificial. It gives to the point of death. Death of expectation and demands. Death of control and agenda. Death of self. Rather than selfish, it is selfless.
I have probed the wounds of Christ over and over as I have neglected him, rejected him, and demanded my own way, rather than surrendering myself to him. A popular song includes these words
“I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway”
After all that I’ve done, Christ loves me (a part of his church) still. Inasmuch as Christ has loved me, and continues to love me, and forgives all my offenses, I am called to do no less. So as an act of my will, and in obedience to my Lord’s command, I will die to myself and I will love my wife.
Happy Valentine’s Day!